Lamentation, Repentance, & Resolve

One of my favorite quotes from The Shawshank Redemption comes when the old man, Brooks, struggling to adjust to life on the outside, writes back to his friends who are still in prison:

"The world went and got itself in a big, damned hurry."

I proved something in 2002.

Again in 2003.

Proved myself in 2007.

And against all odds, again in 2009.

Proved something to whom?

Who was this throng of doubters who believed I didn't have what it took, and were left with egg on their faces, time and again, never learning what I'm made of?

Nobody I know. No one at all. Maybe the throng of doubters was really just me, and I was proving something to myself.

But just as Paul challenges death to show where its victory is, there is a voice from somewhere that now challenges me to show where my victory is for all these muscle flexes over all these years.

No, it isn't that I don't appreciate what I've been blessed to do, nor that I doubt God's presence in these steps. These moments are good memories, and I think I am a better person for them.

But the question that haunts me now is: What do I wish I could go back and change from this period of conquest?

*I wish we had taken a longer honeymoon, instead of hurrying back to work.

*I wish we had savored those early months, and delayed career advancement.

*I wish I could hold my infant sons again.

*I wish I had not rushed back to work after each of our sons was born.

*I wish my mind had not been clouded by career concerns while we were still in the hospital for our second son's birth.

*I wish I had found a way to see my grandfather in the five years before his death.

*I wish I had not believed so fervently that it mattered so much how fast I moved forward in my career. If anything, deeper roots at each stage would do me more good now than how proud I felt of my advancement at the time.

*I wish I had not gone and gotten myself in a big, damned hurry.

No more.

No more rushing, no more proving.

If I live as long as my grandparents did, I am at least halfway through my life. I will not create these same regrets again. I will seek to move from notoriety to anonymity, from a life of striving for milestones, to a life of creating beautiful moments and beautiful things.

I will slow down.

I will savor.

I will walk with Jesus, hold my wife's hand, be my sons' dearest guide, and, God willing, I will write.