One day several months ago, to our surpise, our then-twelve year-old dug out our old video camera and found ancient footage from when he and his brother were babies.
What else can you do but melt, and wonder where the time went?
I don't know about you, but when I start wondering where the time went, it's only a short step to the guilt of convincing myself that I must have squandered the time that seems to have vanished.
But that isn't true.
I know we didn't squander it.
No, we don't remember all of these moments captured on video, and yes, many of our "memories" from those years are probably composite sketches manufactured from feelings and distant glimpses, but I know we made the most we could have made out of those moments as they came and went. We were often distracted, usually juggling, sometimes pining for the future, occasionally frustrated, but we knew the moments were special, and I believe we infused them with the best of ourselves, at least the best we had to offer in those moments.
What gives me the confidence to claim this?
The fact that our son brought the videos to us to see and celebrate. The fact that our sons are interested in our stories of past events they can't remember. The fact that our boys still smile when we make eye contact. The nature of our relationship now, as they enter adolescence, is the reassurance I need that I haven't wasted this time.
No, I'm not saying, like Job's friends might say, that parents who experience conflict with their teens or grown kids must have squandered the time. That's not what I mean at all, and I can't possibly know what all goes into the parent-child dynamic from the earliest days to the empty nest. I'm sure there are many parents who did the very best they knew how to do, and for reasons they'll never understand, feel rejected or left behind by their sons or daughters.
I pray for comfort for everyone who suffers in this way. I can't begin to pretend to know how this feels, or what words would help. Probably none.
But I do know this: With all the prayer I can muster, I will resist the temptation to feel guilty about letting time slip away without appreciating it, and accept the fact that, no matter how much you do appreciate it, the time still slips away, slow and fast at the same time, but "away" all the same, leaving you wondering how you possibly got here from there.
Look into your loved ones' eyes today, and know that you're not squandering this moment.
Look at an old picture of a loved one, and cherish the moment anew.
You didn't squander it.
No comments:
Post a Comment